PPTSD- Post Pageant Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Its a real thing.)

"Don't be frustrated because things aren't happening your way, on your timetable. God knows what he is doing. He is getting you prepared. Your destiny is bigger than you think."

It has been the hardest month of my life.
I have had a lot to think about, and not much of it has made sense to me. All I know is that I have to get what I am thinking out, to create some semblance of closure.

I hope this post makes sense to you, I started writing this a month ago, and I am just now gaining the courage to finish it, and put it in your hands... so let me know if it strikes a chord.

...

Over the past eight years I have learned a lot. I have conquered fears, learned how to believe, I have put my full heart in Gods hands, and lived by faith.

If you don't know my story, let me take a quick second down memory lane to explain! Eight years ago, I sat in a little auditorium in Dade City, and cheered my cousin on, as she competed for a local fair pageant. My mom and I were new to this "Pageant" world, but we were ready to support family in any endeavor! So that evening, no surprise to us, my cousin won! A few days after that, my cousin and aunt asked me if I would ever consider trying out a pageant. They made it sound like it was normal to just decide one day to compete for a pageant… what?! My immediate response was "No way! You will never catch me dead in a pageant! I don't think thats my deal."
Over the next month, they kept egging me on…. encouraging me is more like it. I remember vividly hearing my cousin say, "Chloe, you know you would be the perfect Miss America! You have beauty, brains, and you can sing!"
At the time I had no idea how the Miss America pageant worked… I didn't know anything about it! But finally I gave in, so they would stop bugging me! Essentially, I did it to shut them up!

Miss Zephyrhills Jaycees Outstanding Teen (yes, the longest title of all time!)
My cousin did my hair and make up, she let me borrow her clothes, and even went through interview questions with me… that night, I won.
I had no idea that one night would alter my life the way that night did.
I was then told that the title that I had just acquired was just the beginning to a journey, and that now I had to prepare myself for Miss Florida's Outstanding Teen!
Later that year I competed in St. Petersburg for the title of MFOT, and received top ten!
"Wait, I can win money for school, and wear a crown and beautiful dresses!? Ive gotta do this again!"

And that folks was the beginning to the journey.

Since 2008 I have also been the titles:
Miss Pasco County Fair 2009
Miss Florida Citrus 2010
Miss Tampa 2011
Miss St. Petersburg 2012
Miss Orlando 2013
Miss Winter Park 2014
Miss Orange County 2015

When I became Miss Tampa, I can remember putting a need to the title of Miss Florida. I NEEDED to become Miss Florida so I can influence our state for the greater good. I NEED to be Miss Florida so I can be a voice for the voiceless... I NEED to be Miss Florida to have a launching pad for my career, I NEED to be Miss Florida so I can eventually do all of this as Miss America.

From then on, the want became a need. The fun competition became a passion... a dream.

This road has not been an easy one. Actually far from it.
It has been chalked full of blood, sweat, and tears. I have conquered fears, become a better performer, gained self confidence, gained stage presence, gained interview skills to kill, and gained life long friends!

SO! Fastforward to a month ago... June 20, 2015. It was finals night at Miss Florida. That week was Magical. We celebrated the 80th anniversary to the Pageant, and brought back former Miss Florida's that we like to call our "Forevers." To me, these Miss Florida's are friends, mentors, and role models. Im not joking when I say when I walked out on stage with them for our opening number, it was pure magic. I will never forget those moments!

The whole week of Miss Florida was full of those magical moments. I was front and center for our opening number choreographed by the Best, Shea Sullivan. I was a quality of life finalist, I won swim suit prelim, and I had the most fun that Ive ever had at Miss Florida!

The beautiful Miss Florida 2014, Tori Cowen!

Swim Prelim!

Some of my favorite people in the entire world! 

Thank you to Hair Therapy for Women for making my hair dreams a reality!

Bae. for real. lol

To those of you who have never competed in a pageant you might not understand this, but for those of you that have... You will know what I mean... I walked into Miss Florida thinking that it was my time. I had worked harder than I had ever worked, I found my "perfect" talent song, I found "THE" gown... I knew I was ready to leave on the plane tomorrow for Miss America if given the opportunity! Through out the week, I had directors from all across the state saying that they thought it was my year, I had friends and family encouraging me... I even had girls who were competing against me saying "If its not me, I know it will be you! You deserve this."
I thought my heart was in the right place, and I thought I was giving every moment of that week to God.

But that night, June 20th... I realized that all of those kind words, all of the encouragement, all of the years of preparation for a dream that I had, would have to be hushed to a whisper.

I wasn't crowned Miss Florida that night, and that is when I realized that I hadn't given everything to God.
I gave him the glory of winning, but I didn't think about the possibility of losing.

Our Top 5

Did I mention Im friends with Miss America? (yes, insert name dropping here!)

"Thank you, Lord, for what you have - and haven't - given me. Sometimes it's a yes, and sometimes it's a no, and we don't always know why." -Christy Knockles

I went to bed that night and woke up confused, dumbfounded, and shattered. I have never experienced anything in my life that put me in such a weird state of mind.

Over the next moth I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I was essentially mad at God. I was hurt because I knew he could have given that dream to me if he wanted...
But now I had to cope with putting a dream to rest.

I thought why would God do this to me? Why would he put a dream in my heart just to let me down? Why would he let me experience so much pain? Why me!? Why Now?

"Man says... show me and I'll trust you. God says... trust me and I'll show you."

The answers to those questions are never easy. But I can tell you its more about the process than the out come. It is more about trust than the answer.

"Trust is engaging in Gods timing and process." - Zack Curry

This past Wednesday I was at work and a patient, Lynne, come into our office asking how I was doing. She asked the front desk if she could speak with me, she had something she needed to tell me.

She came and found me and told me she had been praying for me, she said in the midst of those prayers she heard God tell her-

"God doesn't waste time. He won't waste our time. Don't allow satan to silence you in this time of mourning. You have to mourn this, but remember that God is still going to use it for his glory! Remember all of the things you have learned and taken away the past eight years! When we are down, we are blinded and everything is fuzzy... in those moments we are spiritually sensitive to him, thats when we see God the most clear."

She also reminded me that "90% of people have to reinvent themselves throughout their lives, and that is okay! because God knows the plan!"

What truth. No matter what you are going through, if you just lost your job, if you just lost a dream... like I did, if you are stuck in the valley with no hope, if you are tired of waiting for what is next... remember that God does not waste time!

It isn't easy, but you are not alone.

In Mark Batterson's Book, Draw the Circle he says, "Sometimes we have to be willing to give something up to God in order to get it back from God. Like Abraham's willingness to sacrifice Isaac, it will probably be something that is precious to us. It may be a gift from God, just like Isaac was to Abraham. But God will test us to make sure the gift isn't more important than the Gift Giver, the dream isn't more important to us than the Dream Giver. He'll test us to make sure its not an idol. It if is, that dream, gift, or desire might need to die so that it can be resurrected. But God often takes things away to Give them back so we know that they are gifts to be stewarded for his glory. 

Going through death and resurrection makes us appreciate..." Makes us appreciate our dream, our gift, our life, what we have now, and what God has said no to, to draw us closer to him.

I may have experienced my biggest and hardest No from God, but I know it has been resurrected and he is turning it into something much bigger than anything that I have tried to plan. 

He is creating in me a new dream.

Thank you to everyone who has influenced me, and helped me grow as a person along my Miss America Journey!
My parents
My little brother, Trey
My dear friend, Jennifer McKenna (Pageant buddha, Minnie)
David Lang, and Carry Oneil - Regalia (My one stop shop, I only trust them to dress me!)
Tina Novak Robles (the Queen of song! and a Bomb-diggity vocal coach! Thank you for always having faith in me, and believing that I can do it all!!)
Allison Walsh (and all of the amazing people at ARS!)
Jaclyn Raulerson
Kristina Janolo- the entire Janolo family!
Laura Rutledge
Shea Sullivan
Stephen and Shawn Yearick
Diane Kennedy
Aleda Budd
Michelle Topping
Alicia Roberts
Bob Clark- and the ENTIRE Miss Tampa Board
Lynne Clark- and the Miss Largo board
Lynsey Counihan
Vivian Kimbler
Diane and Troy IronWing
Naunah, Bri, and Aunt Deb
My Sweetheart sisters
Every judge who has ever had enough faith in me to pick me!
Harold Singletary and Greg Smith
Mary Sullivan, and The Miss Florida Board

Thank you all for helping to mold me into the woman that I have become!

Keep an eye out for more posts on my "Post Pageant Life" Its about to get good y'all! Get ready for an Adventure!

XO