You know when there is something wrong… and you feel it in
your heart but you cant quite put your finger on it? For about a month now I
have kinda been avoiding people, talking, and in specific I kept pushing away
the opportunity to lead worship.
If you are unaware, I have lead worship at my home church
since I was in 5th grade! All through out middle school, high school and
college. For a while there I was leading every Sunday! This is truly a major part of
my life. I have tried to “lead worship” in all aspects of my life… I believe
that leading on stage is only a part of the job. It is being able to lead a
life that points to God at all times, and gives his name the glory. When I am
on stage, or even helping backstage… my heart is in leading people to the
throne room of Jesus. I want God to use me to be a door holder. I want to open
the door for his people to be able to connect with him on a whole new level.
This has always been my goal, and I can say it truly makes my heart happy to
help create an environment of worship.
So for the past four weeks, I have turned down the
opportunity to lead on stage at church. Not once… but multiple times. I knew
something was wrong… but I didn’t quite know what. I just kept telling myself
“Just give yourself some time to recover after Miss Florida.”
For those of you who are reading this, who dont understand
pageant land…. Its not as simple as just competing then jumping right back into
real life. I had dedicated SO much time to my preparations for Miss Florida…
that I was physically, and mentally exhausted. I was at a voice lesson every
week… sometimes twice a week… trying to improve my skill, and my talent.
The talent portion of the Miss Florida pageant is 35% of our score… so I
really wanted to do my absolute best!
I never have loved to listen to my voice…. But lets be
honest… who actually likes to hear themselves?...
I have been around SO many talented musicians, and
vocalists, and I knew I wasn’t up to their caliber… but I knew God gave me a
voice, and a passion for a reason! That’s exactly why I started singing… But the
past three years I have been struggling with confidence in my voice.
Through a few pageants I have been told
“Chloe its okay….
You just aren’t a singer! Its fine.”
Or
“Chloe, just pick an easy song because
we don’t want you to have to try too hard... Talent, and singing have always been
your Achilles heal.”
WHAT?!?! What does any of that even mean?! No I am not a
Whitney Houston, or a Katherine McPhee… but that doesn’t mean that I cant sing!
I kept letting these lies that I heard consistently eat away at me… I let
them become real. I became more self conscious… I didn’t believe in myself any
more. I couldn’t imagine why I would keep trying to sing if so many people
disliked my voice… or thought I couldn’t sing.
This had ruined me. It had taken away the joy I got when I
would get on sage to sing… I became nervous, and uncomfortable… I would open my
mouth to sing and my voice would shake and tremor with the fear that I wasn’t
good enough.
For the past 4 weeks I have felt this more now than ever.
After receiving 2nd place at the Miss Florida pageant… I still had
people telling me I wasn’t good enough. People telling me I needed to change my
talent… or figure out something easier to do.
First of all…. How dare I let them get inside my heart, and
my head.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” –Eleanor
Roosevelt.
This weekend I visited some family in Georgia for a family
reunion… so naturally… if I am anywhere in Georgia… on a weekend…. I am going
to try the hardest I can to go to church! Ever since High School I have
considered Louie Giglio my pastor. I have heard him speak many times, and I
just feel like I know his family… even though I don’t! lol. Anyways, he is the
pastor at Passion City Church! I always feel welcome at this place… its SO
crazy, how the environment that they create makes everyone feel at home!
So it was my Mom, my brother, my Grandfather, and myself! I
had this plan in the back of my head to take them all to Passion City with me
so they could experience the way that I love to connect with God! Well… a few
times on Friday and Saturday my grandfather had said he wanted to go to
“Catholic church, because It is the best around here!”
In my heart… I knew I had to make it to Passion… some how…
some way… even if it was just on my own.
God works is crazy ways… and some how he got all 4 of us to
the 12:30 service at Passion City…. WOOHOOOOOOO!
The new message series Louie was speaking on is called
“Goliath Must Fall."
Yeah, I know... you just remembered the story of David and Goliath,
didn’t you?... well the jist of the message was that we all have a Giant in our
lives… and some how after a while, we accommodate this giant.
(The main points in the message)
1) We are not David…. Jesus is, and he has defeated this
giant for you!
2) David’s motivation was the fame of God.
3) Your giant is already dead!
That giant in your life may still be talking to you, and
breaking you down… but it is VERY much dead!
We have the power of the name of Jesus! We don’t use it
enough…
The lack of confidence in my voice is my giant. I have let it over
take me, and my ability to lead. I have realized when I let this control me… it
just diminishes Gods glory in my life. It taunts God and terrorizes me. It
diminishes God and demoralizes me.
I will not let this hold me back from my destiny. And even
more than that… I wont let this take the fame and Glory away from my Jesus.
The only way we can over come our giants… is to first believe in the power of the name of Jesus. Then start talking God talk, and start talking to our giant. Telling your giant, "My God is the God who spoke the universe into creation, he has already conquered you…. and I don't have to listen to you, you are dead!"
Kristian Stanfill and Christy Nockles … Two of my role
models… lead worship at Passion City… Perfect timing. Seeing them on stage, feeling the worship that was going on around me, and finally letting my guard down helped me to remember… that I know I am called to
lead people. I crave to make music that will point to Jesus and provide people
with a worship experience that they need to grow closer to our creator.
The fire that I had once lost was now all the sudden back.
I know it will not be easy… but I know with the power of my
God who has already defeated death, and called me to victory… I know I will
over come!
He does not call the equipped…. He equips the called.
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| My Amazing family! |
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| Little Berkeley! <3 |
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| Passion City! |
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| Beckham and Berkeley! |
This blog is amazing and inspiring - I competed at Miss A a few years ago and have no doubt that you will get there one day. We can do all things in Him!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! You are so sweet! I pray I will get to experience Miss A! =)
DeleteMy wife Dyan send me your blog and I could see your heart and your struggle. I read this piece in my quiet time today and after reading your piece I thought you would enjoy the perspective. Like Peter, keeping our eyes on Christ, is always the challenge in the storms of life because we get so distracted with the thunder and lightning around us. But you, like David, have a heart after God. As you continue to seek His face and His will for your life, then not only does God's peace come to you. That allow the Holy spirit to work the rest of it out in His time and His will for us. I will break this into two posts so they will fit. Blessings, Dennis P
ReplyDeleteA Little Girl's Dance
Lysa TerKeurst
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 (NIV)
My touch has always comforted my youngest daughter, Brooke.
I remember running errands when she was a baby, knowing we should have been home an hour earlier for her nap. But also knowing there were things that had to get done, I pressed on, hoping for the best. She started getting fussy. Soon, whines and whimpers escalated into a full-blown meltdown.
Although I couldn't do much to comfort her while driving, I could reach my arm into the backseat and gently pat her leg. It took a few minutes, but eventually she settled down and reached out her tiny hand to hold mine.
A few years later, Brooke had a performance with her praise dance team from school. She loved getting on a stage, so I expected her to be full of smiles and giggles. But just a few minutes before the performance began, a very distraught Brooke made her way to the audience to find me.
With tears streaming down her cheeks, she explained that the teacher had moved her from the front row to the back row, and she didn't know the back row's part. I reassured her, "Honey, just get up there and watch the other girls for cues and follow in step. You know this dance. You'll be fine."
She sobbed back, "I won't be fine if I mess up, and I know I'm going to mess up."
That's when it occurred to me. She would need my touch to get through this. But we both knew it would be impossible for my arm to reach all the way up to the stage. So I quickly whispered, "Brooke, lock your eyes with mine, and Mommy will touch you with my smile. Don't look at anyone else. It doesn't matter if you mess up. What matters is that you keep your eyes on me the whole time. We'll do this together."
Quietly she asked, "The whole time, Mommy?" to be continued
Quietly she asked, "The whole time, Mommy?" to be continued
ReplyDeletePart two "The whole time, Brooke," I replied as I watched my brave girl walk away to take her place.
Several times during the dance, Brooke fell out of step. She knew her steps weren't perfect, so her eyes brimmed with tears. However, the tears never fell. With her eyes perfectly locked on my smiling face, she danced.
My smile was not based on her performance. My smile was born out of an incredible love for this precious, courageous little girl. As she kept her attention focused solely on my smile and the touch of my gaze, it was as if the world slowly faded away and we were the only ones in the room.
This is the way God wants me to dance through life.
Though I can't physically see Him, my soul pictures Him so clearly. In my mind's eye He is there. The touch of His gaze wraps about me, comforts me, assures me, and makes the world seem strangely dim. As long as my gaze is locked on His, I dance and He smiles. The snickers and jeers of others fade away. Though I hear their razor-sharp intentions, they are unable to pierce my heart and distract my focus. Even my own stumblings don't cause the same feelings of defeat.
My steps so often betray the desire of my heart, but it is not my perfect performance that captures His attention. Rather, it is my complete dependence on Him that He notices.
He then whispers to my heart, hold on to Me and what I say about you. For My words are the truth of who you are and the essence of what you were created to be. I then imagine Him pausing as He adds, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32).
His truth frees me from the chains of doubt and insecurity. His truth frees me from feeling unable and inadequate to try and pursue God. His truth washes over me as I tentatively whisper, "I want to be a woman who says 'yes' to God."
And in that moment, with my eyes locked on His, I am.
Dear Lord, I want to keep my eyes on You as I dance through the highs and lows of my life. Direct my steps today. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Reflect and Respond:
Take some time to reflect on verses where God says who we are to Him, such as Ephesians 1:3-8, 2 Corinthians 1:21-22, and John 1:12.
Power Verse:
Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift up my eyes to the mountains - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (NIV)
Thank you so much Mr. Piller, I totally agree! I love that piece!
Delete