You know when there is something wrong… and you feel it in
your heart but you cant quite put your finger on it? For about a month now I
have kinda been avoiding people, talking, and in specific I kept pushing away
the opportunity to lead worship.
If you are unaware, I have lead worship at my home church
since I was in 5th grade! All through out middle school, high school and
college. For a while there I was leading every Sunday! This is truly a major part of
my life. I have tried to “lead worship” in all aspects of my life… I believe
that leading on stage is only a part of the job. It is being able to lead a
life that points to God at all times, and gives his name the glory. When I am
on stage, or even helping backstage… my heart is in leading people to the
throne room of Jesus. I want God to use me to be a door holder. I want to open
the door for his people to be able to connect with him on a whole new level.
This has always been my goal, and I can say it truly makes my heart happy to
help create an environment of worship.
So for the past four weeks, I have turned down the
opportunity to lead on stage at church. Not once… but multiple times. I knew
something was wrong… but I didn’t quite know what. I just kept telling myself
“Just give yourself some time to recover after Miss Florida.”
For those of you who are reading this, who dont understand
pageant land…. Its not as simple as just competing then jumping right back into
real life. I had dedicated SO much time to my preparations for Miss Florida…
that I was physically, and mentally exhausted. I was at a voice lesson every
week… sometimes twice a week… trying to improve my skill, and my talent.
The talent portion of the Miss Florida pageant is 35% of our score… so I
really wanted to do my absolute best!
I never have loved to listen to my voice…. But lets be
honest… who actually likes to hear themselves?...
I have been around SO many talented musicians, and
vocalists, and I knew I wasn’t up to their caliber… but I knew God gave me a
voice, and a passion for a reason! That’s exactly why I started singing… But the
past three years I have been struggling with confidence in my voice.
Through a few pageants I have been told
“Chloe its okay….
You just aren’t a singer! Its fine.”
Or
“Chloe, just pick an easy song because
we don’t want you to have to try too hard... Talent, and singing have always been
your Achilles heal.”
WHAT?!?! What does any of that even mean?! No I am not a
Whitney Houston, or a Katherine McPhee… but that doesn’t mean that I cant sing!
I kept letting these lies that I heard consistently eat away at me… I let
them become real. I became more self conscious… I didn’t believe in myself any
more. I couldn’t imagine why I would keep trying to sing if so many people
disliked my voice… or thought I couldn’t sing.
This had ruined me. It had taken away the joy I got when I
would get on sage to sing… I became nervous, and uncomfortable… I would open my
mouth to sing and my voice would shake and tremor with the fear that I wasn’t
good enough.
For the past 4 weeks I have felt this more now than ever.
After receiving 2nd place at the Miss Florida pageant… I still had
people telling me I wasn’t good enough. People telling me I needed to change my
talent… or figure out something easier to do.
First of all…. How dare I let them get inside my heart, and
my head.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” –Eleanor
Roosevelt.
This weekend I visited some family in Georgia for a family
reunion… so naturally… if I am anywhere in Georgia… on a weekend…. I am going
to try the hardest I can to go to church! Ever since High School I have
considered Louie Giglio my pastor. I have heard him speak many times, and I
just feel like I know his family… even though I don’t! lol. Anyways, he is the
pastor at Passion City Church! I always feel welcome at this place… its SO
crazy, how the environment that they create makes everyone feel at home!
So it was my Mom, my brother, my Grandfather, and myself! I
had this plan in the back of my head to take them all to Passion City with me
so they could experience the way that I love to connect with God! Well… a few
times on Friday and Saturday my grandfather had said he wanted to go to
“Catholic church, because It is the best around here!”
In my heart… I knew I had to make it to Passion… some how…
some way… even if it was just on my own.
God works is crazy ways… and some how he got all 4 of us to
the 12:30 service at Passion City…. WOOHOOOOOOO!
The new message series Louie was speaking on is called
“Goliath Must Fall."
Yeah, I know... you just remembered the story of David and Goliath,
didn’t you?... well the jist of the message was that we all have a Giant in our
lives… and some how after a while, we accommodate this giant.
(The main points in the message)
1) We are not David…. Jesus is, and he has defeated this
giant for you!
2) David’s motivation was the fame of God.
3) Your giant is already dead!
That giant in your life may still be talking to you, and
breaking you down… but it is VERY much dead!
We have the power of the name of Jesus! We don’t use it
enough…
The lack of confidence in my voice is my giant. I have let it over
take me, and my ability to lead. I have realized when I let this control me… it
just diminishes Gods glory in my life. It taunts God and terrorizes me. It
diminishes God and demoralizes me.
I will not let this hold me back from my destiny. And even
more than that… I wont let this take the fame and Glory away from my Jesus.
The only way we can over come our giants… is to first believe in the power of the name of Jesus. Then start talking God talk, and start talking to our giant. Telling your giant, "My God is the God who spoke the universe into creation, he has already conquered you…. and I don't have to listen to you, you are dead!"
Kristian Stanfill and Christy Nockles … Two of my role
models… lead worship at Passion City… Perfect timing. Seeing them on stage, feeling the worship that was going on around me, and finally letting my guard down helped me to remember… that I know I am called to
lead people. I crave to make music that will point to Jesus and provide people
with a worship experience that they need to grow closer to our creator.
The fire that I had once lost was now all the sudden back.
I know it will not be easy… but I know with the power of my
God who has already defeated death, and called me to victory… I know I will
over come!
He does not call the equipped…. He equips the called.
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| My Amazing family! |
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| Little Berkeley! <3 |
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| Passion City! |
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| Beckham and Berkeley! |
